Heart beats

Who is Johnnyswin? Creative name for a band. The VH1 You Oughta Know artists' 1st single has been playing in my head. I believe the female singer mentioned that the song Heart Beats was inspired by her mother (the late Donna Summer). It is a hauntingly beautiful song. Her singer/songwriter partner is her husband. Perfect situation? Maybe. I always felt it would be tough to partner up with someone who works in the same field. However, in grad school, I watched a number I/O psych students pair up with HF psych students, etc. My former boss/advisor said having a spouse who is able to understand the world of academic + bounce research ideas off of + review your work is rather convenient. I still wonder how diverse their conversations/interests truly are. Seems like one would get bored with such limited differences....

July is coming to an end. August used to be one of my all-time favorite months. The hustle & bustle of classes starting. Shopping for supplies, signing up for classes, getting internship & research opportunities squared away + preparing for the lab newbie undergrads. Sometimes I miss academia. Sometimes.

I also love that end of summer/start of autumn weather. It's not too hot to hang outdoors, yet not quite too cool to wear flip flops. Living in Florida allowed me to wear sandals & flip flops nearly year round. I do miss the warmer climate & palm trees. Noah & I attented the Williamsburg New Moms play date at a park yesterday. Noah dove right in & befriend a little December baby named Michael. He also struck up a baby talk conversation with an older girl toddler, who walked right over in her bright pink Crocs. It was lovely. Met a few interesting ladies & realized just how diverse moms can be. The age range for this particular group of babies is from Jan 2011 to Dec 2012. There were about 4 other babies close to Noah's age & no one would have even thought twice about him being a preemie. He surpassed his counterparts in certain milestones like crawling, pulling himself up & attempting to walk. The older babies excited him with their walking independent abilities & my little man was ready to join in on their adventures with walking & running. It was cute to watch him interact with other babies. 

It was nice to have adult conversations with other educated ladies. There's a former school psychologist, dentist, teacher, HR generalist & handful of young military moms in the group. Most of the women are SAHM, but a few do work part-time hours, like me. Socioeconomic status (not that it matters) ranges from thise who live in Kingsmill verses those who rent homes/apartments. Most of the ladies sported those SUV crossovers, from Lexus to Benz to Kia. I was definitely the only one braving a 2-door & infant. One lady mentioned she finally traded her 2-door 1998 Honda for a Kia Sorento. Her LO is just over 1 years old, so I guess it might be time to bute the bullet. As much as I do NOT want a car payment, the thought of installing a convertible seat & having to take Noah out of the car concerns me. Also, his big boy Eddie Bauer stroller does not fir in LuLu the Beetle. The Graci snap & go just barely fits. I purchased the Ergobaby & I'm hoping with more practice, it will become easher to manuver. 

On another note, I noticed the military moms & younger ladies seemed to separate themselves from the 25+ aged women. I'm not sure it was from a lack of interest in discussing anything other than baby poop & sleep habits or more so a commonality of spousal career paths & wannabe hipster trend gossip. Personally, I could care less about Pretty Little Liars or the new Kardashian baby.Just  not my cup if tea. I felt more connected to the older moms, with the older babies. Talking to them allowed me to ask questions about what to expect next with teething, STTN, walking, baby proofing, losing baby weight, traveling with an infant, convertible car seats & current events not splashed on grocery store tabloids. It was nice to meet new people. 

The next event is scheduled on Friday morning at a nearby SPCA, which has a petting zoo attached. I wonder if Noah will tolerate the Ergo baby (or if I will be able to get him in it all by lonesome - ha). We have a lunch date tomorrow with a friend from middle/high school. She has not yet met Noah & we're planning to meet at my favorite downtown Norfolk lunch spot. I haven't been to 3Way Cafe, since before discovering I was knocked up. Should be interesting to see some familiar faces + I heard they have a new breakfast/brunch menu. (:

So, over the weekend, we turned in the Yorktown apartment keys. Noah's first home & our first place together as a married couple will now belong to the next eager fresh-faced tenants, ready to start their lives. It was rather bittersweet watching Noah crawl all over the empty carpeted living room. Seems like just yesterday, we were quietly tip-toeing & navigating between the master bedroom & living room for middle of the night feedings, diaper changes & pumping sessions. I can't believe how fast time flies. My sweet little baby is now crawling, standing & walking with guidance. He's getting bigger everyday & becoming rather vocal. Temper tantrums & fighting naps are his new things. Still teething, but no sign of an actual tooth breaking through yet. 

Everything appears to be working out nicely. Life is good... So, why can't I seem to shake this sense of dissatisfaction? It's like that feeling when something is left unfinished. I have no idea what it is, but something keeps tugging at my emotions, almost like a warning to not let my guard down or get too comfy. It's unsettling.

My husband has always worked odd hours (more so, in the fall seasons). Coincidentally, it seems like the days I actually go to work or out with Noah, he just happens to get off early. Why does this not occur on days when I'm stuck home all day with a grumpy, teething baby & starving from the inability to juggle baby + creating a meal for myself? It's never the days when I'm feeling so overwhelmed that I'm left with tears from both my eyes & Noah's. It's like we are no longer in sync (not like the boyband)...we're on different pages. I miss the moments where it seemed like he knew exactly what I was thinking or feeling. The moms on the WTE board describe this as the "7 month spousal itch). It appears many of us FTMs are going through similar issues in our relationships.

Sunday morning, we were cooking breakfast & entertaining a semi-sleepy Noah. I took Noah out of his high chair & attempted to rock him to sleep, while hubby continued cooking. After 20 minutes of wrestling a grumpy baby (he didn't want to play or crawl or sleep or eat & his diaper was clean - just grumpy), I became irritated with hubby for not offering to trade duties. Instead, he hid behind his iPhone blasting metal rock & a frying pan cooking hot breakfast sausages. Annoyed, I finally snapped at him, in a passive aggressive manner. He promptly took over baby duty.

Of course, Noah begins giggling the second we trade, which makes me feel even crappier. After an few baby lifts & squeals of joy, Noah falls asleep on his shoulder. I sulk & start chopping mushrooms, onions & jalapeño peppers for a veggie omelette, in complete silence. Hubby looks semi-annoyed & semi-concerned. I angrily whisper to him that I guess the next time I feel overwhelmed & frustrated from being burned out with baby duty, I should not assume that he will pick up on my feelings or obvious cues. It was a bit immature & bitchy of me, I know... Il could have simply asked for help, but I just did not understand why he did not think it seemed logical to come help. He sat there gawking at me, as if he still could not comprehend why I was irritated. So, I continued to express my feelings of frustrations, telling him that our "go team go" methods of juggling domestic chores & baby had left me feeling frustrated & almost like we were in some purely platonic friendship type of relationship. I guess that was the core of my issues with him., 

I'm learning that marriage is tough & babies make things tougher. I know that if things were easy, we would not appreciate the beauty of challenge & accomplishment. I just wonder if my husband is truly happy or if he's going to wake up one day & decide to leave. Based on his family history & the fact that this is not his 1st marriage, I wonder if the odds are against me. I guess only time will tell. Que sera sera...

Until next time - XoXo - HMBC