Minions, Mixed Emotions and Motherhood

Noah's 2nd birthday is going to be a Despicable Me - Minions Mayhem themed party with a handful of friends & family. He may end up having the same birthday party fate that I had as a kid. Many people tend to go out of town for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and both of our birthdays occur during school vacation time periods. Hubby and I will have to find creative ways to make his birthdays still kick ass and not get lost in the hustle and bustle of the holidays. 😎  

I joined a mommy group about 6 months ago and have made a semi-decent effort to attend play dates and events on a weekly basis. Recently, a handful of us checked out a Mother's Day Out program at a local (Williamsburg) church. One of the other moms highly recommended it. Her little one loved it. The program runs from September to May and the little ones attend "class" once or twice a week for a few hours. It gives them a chance to interact, socialize & learn, while momma gets a few hours to herself. It's like a pre pre-school. I loved the idea of helping Noah break his occasional shyness and getting him prepared for a world of academia.

The majority of the moms seemed eager to sign-up, including me. The classroom looked awesome and the teachers were very nice. However, watching Noah during the open house, something just didn't sit right with me. He took a very long time to warm up to the teachers, which I expected. His sad little face and standing frozen as a statue demeanor as I began filling out paperwork truly concerned me. Eventually, with some coaxing from one of the teachers, he proceeded to play alone cautiously, ignoring the hustle and bustle of all the other excited kids. It made me a little sad to realize that he's just as introverted as hubby and me. As I continued to fill out the paperwork, I realized that the other moms were signing up for 2 days a week vs 1 day, and on different days, I started to worry if Noah would end up in a class without any familiar faces and if he would be miserable. I kept telling myself that this was for his own good, and that he would adjust...eventually.

I starting feeling slightly more confident about the decision to give the program a chance, as I watched Noah start to somewhat interact with a few of the other kids on the indoor slide. Rather than expressing enthusiasm, he just seemed so indifferent. I smiled and encouraged him to play nicely, while engaging in chit chat with other moms. When it was time to leave, he threw a small tantrum. I thought to myself, maybe he actually does like it here, since he clearly doesn't want to leave yet. However, I still couldn't shake this feeling that he (or I) wasn't really ready for MDO. As we drove home, I was filled with horrible guilt and found myself in tears. I'm not usually a crier, but my brain and emotions were screaming at me and this is what it sounded like:

What the hell am I thinking? Noah is not even 2 years old! Does he really need this? Why didn't I research this more? Why didn't I ask more questions during the open house? What if Noah hates it? What if he cries the entire time? What if he thinks I abandoned him? Do I really need a break away from Noah once a week? I'm only juggling one child vs the other moms who have multiple kids. Do I really deserve a break? What kind of break would it actually be, since the majority of my time would be spent driving back and forth from Newport News to Williamsburg? Of course, I could just stay in Williamsburg the entire time. What will I do in Williamsburg alone for 3 hours? It's only once a week. Isn't this supposed to alienate stress? Why am I so stressed out over the idea of this? 

I spent the next two days in a state of indecisiveness and making Pros and Cons lists. I consulted the expertise of relatives, friends, our pediatrician, etc. I scoured internet parenting articles and forums discussing toddler development, preschools, socialization, expectations, MDO programs, etc. Finally, after discussing it at length with hubby, we decided to wait. 

As it turns out, another mom from the mommy group, made the same decision. She ended up taking her little one (who is close to the same age as Noah) to the open house twice and felt her daughter just wasn't ready. It seemed so simple and clear to come to the realization that just because other toddlers, around the same age, were ready for MDO or pre-school, that Noah may or may not be to ready too. Rather than commit him into something that I wasn't 100% confident about, I decided to trust my gut and motherly instinct.

This parenting gig is definitely one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs that I have ever had. It never ends and can be so exhausting at times, but it has turned me into a better human being. My 21 month old has taught me to be more confident, compassionate, patient, understanding, and loving. He has also taught me to embrace my silly and goofy side. My former performing, entertaining and musical skills are utilized every single day for an audience of one, and he is truly my biggest fan. Applause and smiles from Noah is a zillion times more exhilarating than from a crowd of strangers at some random music event or venue. My years of psychology classes in college and graduate school has given me some insight into behaviors and the brain. However, Noah has taught me that organization and orderliness is not always a priority. Also, generalization of personalities or behaviors and supporting research studies are merely just blue prints for beginning to understand the human mind. Everyone is clearly unique and different. 

XoXo - HMBC